the fall of a dispatcher

bill is one of our dispatchers and by many means the friendliest of them and holds a special place in my regards for the simple fact that if he knows, he tells me what I am doing for that day when i call in. the life of many bus drivers on the extra board is one of confusion and mystery, never knowing where you are going next or when you may have to leave. some mystery is a good thing in life, but too much and all that you are left with is a magician standing on a stage with his hand in a top hat without knowing what he is going to pull out. that said, bill's friendly voice is a good thing to hear on the other end of that scratchy walkie talkie phone. i had gotten back from a charter a few nights back and dropped in at the office to return a video. bill was standing outside smoking, which is not an unusual thing to say the least, the man is a chain smoker, but he stood outside in maybe a 60 degree night and shivered violently holding both of his elbows. i asked him if he were feeling ok and bill, dressed in two coats wrapped lumpily over his bone thin frame said that he was feeling cold and dizzy. i helped him inside while he shuffled in the door and two paces in front of me, bill simply collapsed, fell over, passed out, not just fell to his knees but fell straight forward in front of me and before i could catch hold of him, he was on the ground. i had visions then of my father. my father, already diagnosed with cancer, but in that strange in between land where the doctors can only say, wait and see, had been better at the time, feeling better too, but things started to go downhill and he lost weight again and in those few times when he was left alone either by friends or girlfriend, he walked into the bathroom and fell, passed out, tumbled dizzily in much the same way that i'm sure that bill just now had. my father passed out, rapping his head against the side of the toilet and when i saw him next it was just after this event, in a hospital bed, thinner, ashamed of his supposed weakness, trying to hide tears as he told me that it was the worst feeling of his life, waking up, not knowing how much later in a thin pool of water left by the toilet tank that he knocked over, in the dark and not having the strength to get up and i knew then that that was the worst feeling that i had ever had, not being able to have been there to catch his fall, a strong man, now made thin and his old barrel chested bulk largely gone and knowing that it humilated and scared him. and then bill fell. i felt for certain then that he would not get up, that he had been dying of lung cancer all along or had had a stroke or heart attack. he woke up right away, said that he was just dizzy and i helped him to a sitting position and then into a chair. his complexion was blue, but joked that everyone has said that he looked good in blue. he refused help, an ambulance, a ride anywhere. bill is a hardhead and i had to leave him sitting in the chair before his board and wondering if i would ever see him again, at least behind the board or on the radio. food poisoning, bill was better the next day that i had seen him, cigarette in hand, of course. i hope that bill is around for awhile.